The Not So Loving Side of Gentle Parenting: A Review

Miller, Justin L. The Not so Loving Side of Gentle Parenting: A Biblical Plea to Parents. Greenbrier, AR: Free Grace Press, 2025.

Over the past decade or so, the concept of gentle parenting has been growing in popularity. It is not a new idea, having been discussed as far back as the 1920s by people like Dr. Alfred Adler, who argued that children should be raised through respect and empathy while still attempting to emphasize the need not to spoil them. It has become more popular in recent years with the publication of The Gentle Parenting Book, published by Sarah Ockwell-Smith in 2016, from which the term "gentle parenting" was coined. Ockwell-Smith has also written a number of other books advocating for the concept. A 2022 article published by InClub Magazine quotes Sarah as defining gentle parenting as follows: "Gentle parenting isn't really about using specific methods. It's about an ethos and completely changing the way you think. It's more a way of being than a way of doing. Approaching any and all parenting situations with empathy for the child and trying to understand the reasoning behind their behavior, working together to change it positively and accepting what cannot be changed."

With the movement's rise in popularity, many Christians have started to buy into the concept. But that brings us to an important question: Is gentle parenting a biblical approach? Gentle Parenting is certainly worth reviewing, and Justin Miller seeks to answer the important question in his new book.

The Structure

Before examining his arguments against gentle parenting, I want to explore Miller's book's structure. I particularly appreciate the way that he has laid things out. Miller does not jump straight to bashing the movement but starts by establishing the biblical foundations for the family and biblical parenting. His first chapter, "The Importance of the Family and Biblical Parenting," starts off by saying, "The family is the fabric of society (Genesis 2:24)" (p. 17). As the chapter continues, Miller seeks to establish the idea in Scripture and the broader teaching of the church throughout history. Alongside many Scritural quotations and references, he quotes men like Kevin DeYoung and William Perkins to make the point that a "biblical understanding of how children are to be nurtured, taught, and disciplined" is "Critical to the health of any family" (p. 21).

Once this foundation is established, Miller moves on to "Defining Gentile Parenting" (p. 29). Miller recognizes that "The philosophy of Gentile Parenting has made its way into evangelical churches" (p. 29). He sees the issue but still desires to give a fair account of what the advocates of the philosophy believe. He does this by making lengthy quotes from prominent movement members, such as Sarah Ockwell-Smith and Dan Peters. As he discusses the philosophy, Miller notes the difficulty of finding a simple definition of Gentle Parenting. He says that the most precise definition he found came from an article from parents.com, which he quotes at length. In the following paragraph, he summarizes by saying, "This article conveyed one of the clearest definitions of Gentle parenting as "parenting without shame, blame, or punishment" (p. 39)

Miller does not seem completely satisfied with this definition, or at the very least, sees that the disparate nature of the philosophy needs to be summarized for the reader. He summarizes the popular (non-academic) presentations that have been laid out in the chapter in seven points. After laying out these points, he asks the question, "Is this form of parenting biblical?" (p. 49)

Miller's Critique

In chapter three, Miller addresses the issue by offering three specific critiques. He does this while acknowledging that "There are elements of the Gentle Parenting Philosophy that biblical parenting will also acknowledge as important, though biblical parenting will define and employ them differently" (p. 51). However, Miller is not satisfied with simply pointing out the issues with Gentle Parenting. He wants Christians to understand and live out what the Bible commands for parents. I found this section to be particularly good. In it, he outlines a simple paradigm for you to start doing family worship together, which is an essential part of biblical parenting. His outline consists of twenty-one minutes daily filled with prayer, Scripture reading, singing, and the like.

Summary

Overall, I found Millar's book to be well-written and well-argued. He attempts to be fair to the ideas and teachings of Gentle Parenting while pointing out its serious issues. If you are considering Gentle Parenting, I hope you will take the time to read this short book before going down that road. Miller offers sound biblical reasoning for why we should not buy into the ideas, as well as presenting a more biblically consistant approach to parenting. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. Each child has differences, even within the same family. That being said, the Bible must be at the heart of teaching our children. We are called to everything for the glory of God, especially how we raise our children. Parents have a solemn responsibility to raise their children in the knowledge and understanding of the Lord. We will not do this well if we look outside of Scripture to see how we are to accomplish that task.

Soli Deo Gloria